How to hit on a girl

  • Don’t waste time introducing yourself or starting a conversation, just come up behind me before I even see your face and start dancing on me. Don’t forget to put your sweaty hands on my hips and breathe red bull/vodka breath all over my neck.
  • Please tell me all about how you basically live at the gym with your bros. I am so interested in knowing about all of your reps and gains and protein powders. Shoulder day? Wow I am so turned on. Gains for dayzzzzz.
  • Please buy me a drink so you feel that you own me for the rest of the night.
  • Tell me all about your super important job because I would (obviously) not know what that’s like. Don’t forget to mention how tired you are and how you have to work late every freakin’ night. I am so attracted to the fact that I would probably never get to see you. Because work comes first, bro.
  • Please tell me about how hot I am. Or how cute, pretty, or any other adjective that you can think of that relates to my bodily appearance. It’s probably one I’ve never heard before, originality is key.
  • Don’t mention how funny, intelligent, or kind I am. I would obviously rather be wanted for my body.
  • Definitely stare at my boobs. Or accidentally touch my butt. Just grab me all over, because that’s so attractive.
  • If I say “no,” just try harder! Don’t give up, even if I am walking away at a brisk pace. Keep up with my stride. No means yes bro.
  • If I am talking to another guy, please don’t stop staring at me and stay hovering nearby. That is so hot. Keep your eye on the prize.
  • Keep drinking those manly drinks to make sure that no one thinks you’re feminine. And definitely don’t use a straw.
  • Make it very clear that you’re looking for something really serious, but don’t actually have any intentions of calling me.
  • Please get in a bar fight so that I can see how strong you are. Such a turn on.
  • Make sure I’m really drunk before you ask me to come back with you. Who cares about consent anyways?
  • Don’t forget to take me back to your apartment that smells like leftover pizza and doesn’t have any toilet paper. Please high-five your bros when they see me walk in with you. Unless they’re blacked out… in that case just tell them all about it the next day.

…Seriously though, we’re not looking for free food or drinks. Just be normal, start a conversation, and treat us with respect. 


Also, please don’t be this dude ^^


Abi and Em ❤

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